Picture this…
You’ve done ALL THE THINGS to ensure your baby has a perfect schedule, routine, and sleep environment. You’ve practiced those independent sleep skills and baby can successfully put themselves to sleep. You’re feeling on top of the world until you put your baby down for bed and they start whaling. This is not a whimper or mild cry, this is hard tears, and possible reaching up and saying “mama, dada, or <insert what your baby is saying>”
Welcome to the onset of separation anxiety. It can happen as early as 6 months (but peaks between 10-18 months) and its here to stay my friends. That doesn’t mean its going to be like this every night, but it’s part of the normal emotional development of your baby. This stage usually corresponds with the understanding that people and things exist even when your baby can't see them. This is more formally referred to as object permanence. So when you leave the room, your baby understands that you still exist somewhere and that you can return. Again, in this sense, separation anxiety is actually a positive sign — it lets us parents know that our baby understands object permanence.
OK- so we understand WHY it’s happening but how to we manage/work through it? Your child is VERY clingy and crying at bedtime, and waking multiple times a night. The below tips can help!
1. Make sure you have a consistent, calming routine.
Children are easily ritualized. If you start changing things up (even if its not intentional), this could quickly become their new expectation. If you don’t have a bedtime routine, now’s the time to implement one. There is no “perfect” routine, but the key is to make sure its in the same order every night. Perhaps its a bath, pajamas, listening to calm music, reading 2 books, and putting on a sleep sack. I highly recommend no electronics at least 90 minutes before bed. More on that in a future post.
2. Reassess your daytime and bedtime schedule.
Often our children don’t have an age appropriate schedule. This means ample number of naps, appropriate wake times and bedtime. If bedtime is too late for example, your baby becomes overtired and their melatonin converts to cortisol (a stress hormone). This is why they can often fight sleep. An overtired baby + separation anxiety is no bueno. If they are under-tired, they may protest being put down because they’re just not ready for bed. Nailing that schedule is so important and takes the guesswork out of it. You should feel confident when you put your child dow to bed that its the right time. Having the perfect schedule doesn’t guarantee your child won’t protest and exhibit feelings of separation anxiety, but it helps us as parents know that its not schedule based.
3. Say goodbye/goodnight when you leave the room.
Whether you have a baby or toddler it’s important to always say goodbye when you leave. This builds trust and prohibits them from feeling confused with why you’re not there. Even though its hard and you may just want to sneak out (this includes when parents leave for work in the morning). Doing this only adds to your child’s fear and uncertainty because now, he’s learned that if he so much as looks the other way, you might literally vanish. Always say goodnight (warmly and firmly) before you walk out.
4. It’s ok to offer extra support at bedtime, but be careful about introducing new habits.
It’s very easy to fall into new/unwanted habits when separation anxiety shows its face. We may resort to co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, etc. My best advice is stay strong and not introduce a big change in your response. It’s ok to offer extra cuddles, or check on your baby every few minutes, but I would strongly advise not taking he/she out of the crib or you will be sending a mixed message. Its our job as parents to be CONSISTENT. This word is so important because our children look to us for safety and consistency. They WANT us to be in charge. They NEED us to be in charge. If we don’t feel confident with bedtime and are constantly changing our response, this will further confuse our children and prolong the process.
Thank you so much to Dr. Becky for suggesting these bedtime books to help cope with separation anxiety before bedtime.
A Bedtime Kiss for Chester Raccoon by Audrey Penn
Calm Down Time by Elizabeth Verdick
Bedtime by Elizabeth Verdick
If you’re looking for support with an age appropriate schedule or a more consistent bedtime routine, reach out and I can help!